Top 10 things to do without a computer

Hello there! I am back and I missed everyone!

So the dark computerless phase in my life is finally over for now. I have my laptop back and it is no longer accessing naughty websites unbeknownsed to me. It is being good. While I did not lose any data, I did lose a ton of my applications so now have to reinstall everything. It is bad but I am so happy to have my laptop back. I think I fared rather well without a personal computer but my family kept telling me that I looked lost without it. I looked like a sad little lost and helpless puppy trying to put on a brave front. They felt sorry for me.

During this dark phase, I did a lot of contemplating. Why am I so addicted to da darn Internets? Why must I write a blog? Why? Why?

Anyways. I'll spare you the drama. Instead I have a top 10 list. Things you can do if you ever have to go through this phase.


1. Curl up in fetal position and cry like a baby. Very cathartic experience.

2. Watch the shopping network on TV and buy random and ridiculous stuff. Keep the box it arrived in. If you don't like it, you can always pass it on to relatives at Christmas.

3. Answer solicitors calls and ask them all kinds of personal questions. How is your love life? How was your childhood? Were you ever abused as a child? Chances are that they will hang up on you but don't worry. Another solicitor will call you soon.

4. Send hand written thank you notes to everyone. So what if you haven't seen them in ages? Just come up with random things and thank them.

5. Start painting a room. Decide on a color and go buy the paint. Wish you had a computer to pre-visualize. Abandon the project.

6. Call random people. Forget Facebook and twitter. Forget Skype. Pick up the darn phone and call everyone you know. Chances are that they are too busy with Facebook and Twitter but try anyways. Leave a perky message for them.

7. Organize pantry. Cannot tell you how nice it is to have a pantry that is alphbetized.

8. Pontificate. Ask yourself what you really think about important issues. Is Jessica Simpson really fat? What exactly is Paula Abdul on? Grab anyone around you and express your opinions. Do not let them excape! Kepp pontificating with them as long as you possibly can.

9. Rearrange furniture. Get help and take out all the furniture in the house. Place it on the lawn. Change your mind and bring it all back in. Serve pizza to the helpers.

10. Watch tomatoes grow. And wish that your computer was working so you could install a web cam and watch your tomatoes grow at work.

Party Town

Recently there was a party in town and I wasn't invited.

One day I went to mail the collages to the gallery during lunch. What is supposed to be a 2 minute drive turned into a 15 minute drive. Why?

There were cops everywhere. I mean over 50 cops. On motorcycles, in cars. They were all waiting on the road talking on their walkie-talkies. No one knew how to drive with 50 cops watching them. We were all scared to death. We all drove at 1 mile an hour speed. People actually stopped driving on the shoulder and stopped at the yellow light. Wow.

My friend Carol was with me and we knew something was going on. It couldn't be an accident.

Those of you who don't know, I live in Austin. Celebrities are everywhere.

Was Jessica Simpson getting married?

Was Andy Roddick having a wedding reception?

Was Dubya (Bush W.) in town?

Was Laura Bush getting a mani-pedi?

Were the Bush girls in trouble again?

But no. It certainly seemed bigger than that.

I was with Carol and we saw tons of black SUVs rushing past us. And they were all heading towards one direction.

Micheal Dell's house. His house. Yep the Micheal Dell lives somewhere across from my work. He was having a lunch party. And no one invited me.

So we went and mailed the artwork and grabbed some lunch. On our way back, we saw even more cops. I was driving and terrified of crossing the white line on the road.

I came back to work and asked a coworker if she knew what was going on. She knows what's happening in town. If she doesn't, she can certainly find out.

Turns out the Vice President Biden was having a little fund raiser at M. Dell's place. I know this for a fact because... Oh well... Just trust me on this one. It is a conclusion based on research and what we saw.

Sandra Bullock does not use this much security. Lance Armstrong is just a dude in town. Everyone who lives in Austin already has an autograph from him and leave him alone. It had to be a politician. And Mr. Biden was in town.

So Mr. Biden if you are reading this, use the helicopter pad next time. OK? And invite me to the party. I can be the life of the party. I swear I'll squeeze more money out of the folks.

And Mr. Dell, invite me next time. I have a faux press pass and a decent camera. I used to work for you and I am a loyal stockholder. Call me!

Plastic Surgery

So I've decided to get some plastic surgery done.

I know I've told you that I look exactly like Demi Moore but the reality is that I look more like Meg Ryan. Without the blond hair, blue eyes, and the duck lips. Or the cheek bones. Or the freckles and skin tone. Other than that, we are this close!

I want ducky lips. And cheek implants and a face lift. And who could not use a nice little tummy tuck?

Unlike User's wife who went to South America for this, I will be going to India to get this done. An old friend of mine is a doctor there and has promised to get me hooked up with the right peeps. He also promised to be in the operating room during the whole procedure. So I will be in good hands.

When I told my Aunt, who is a doctor, about it, here is how the conversation went:

Me: So I am going to India sometime to get some work done.
Aunt: What work?
Me: You know... face lift... this and that...
Aunt: Are you crazy? (lecture... lecture.... lecture... One would think that since she lives in LA, she would be more open to this. But nope....)
Me: I am also getting a tummy tuck... I got a buy one get one free deal... You want a free tummy tuck?
Aunt: Really? I am so in. I could use a tummy tuck!

One problem solved.

I also told my hubby about it. Now I am going to try very hard to articulate his reaction without being biased.

• Hysterical Laughter
• Shock
• "How much is this going to cost us?"
• Repeatedly saying, "you are beautiful as you are"

The last sentence could have influenced me if he had not started laughing hysterically again.

Men.

I haven't told my boys about my decision yet. But they'll find out sooner or later.

And ask me:

Mom! What happened to you? You look like you have a very bad allergy reaction!!! You look like you are really sick!!! Did a bee bite you on your lips? Did you eat peanuts? Take allergy medication and go to bed. You look really really sick!

Boys. Oye.

Wish me luck! I hope I don't end up looking like Joan Rivers!