Painting 101

How to create a painting that is most likely to sell for 10,000 dollars.

Caution: Painting on canvas is not for the faint of the heart. It requires a lot of planning, dedication and laser focus on your part.

Before you begin:

1. Plan everything. And procrastinate. If anyone asks, tell them that you are visualizing and harnessing your creativity. Just sit around, watch judge Judy and put off the painting as long as you can.
2. Get some canvas and some really expensive paints. You could take that money and feed a nation but who cares? Creativity is at stake here.
3. Tell everyone that you are not only a photographer, but also a painter. You may never have painted ever in your life, but so what? Believe in yourself. Use terms such as acrylics, media, matte, glazed etc. If some one asks you what exactly you paint, give them an answer that is completely confusing. For example, "I channel my inner cosmic energy and kundalini to use my creativity to create a representation of the mysterious energy that is life. I capture the energy using media like acrylic paint, oils, pigments and bacon fat. In my opinion, that is the only way to obtain world peace." Ha! That will teach them not to mess with you! After that, no one will ever ask you about your paintings. Trust me on that one.
4. When you go shopping for paint supplies, refuse to buy the basics like an easel, a paint bucket etc. When your good friend, who is doing you a favor by showing you the ropes suggests you buy a kit, complain loudly. Whine a lot. "You are making me spend too much money!"
5. Tell your family or whoever you are living with that you are about to embark on an artistic journey. You are not to be disturbed because you are harnessing your creativity. You are going to paint. And you can't do dishes anymore for at least a month since you have to preserve your hands and your creativity.
6. By now, almost everyone you know should have stopped talking to you. Good. Now you are a true recluse artist and ready to begin.

To create a painting:

1. Since you refused to buy an easel, spread an old rug on the floor and layer it with newspapers.
   
2. Grab a snack.
3. Get your canvas, your paints and your brushes and lay them on the carpet.
4. Open a bottle of wine and have some.
5. Watch a movie.
6. Take canvas number one and apply a base coat of an acrylic paint to it.
   
7. Set it to dry and go grab another snack.
8. Surf the net and remember that you were supposed to clean the brush.
   
9. Run and grab your brush, pour some paint cleaner in a plastic cup and soak your brush.
10. Pour another glass of wine and surf the net.
11. In about ten minutes, go to check on your brush.
    
12. Pick up the plastic cup which has now melted into putty and clean up the paint cleaner from the counter. No one ever told you not to put the paint cleaner in a plastic cup.
    
13. Sigh.
14. Take a nap.
15. Wake up and find your long lost family. Tell them, "Guess what I did today? I painted AND cleaned up the kitchen counter."

Trust me. They will be thrilled for you.