Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Painting 101




How to create a painting that is most likely to sell for 10,000 dollars.

Caution: Painting on canvas is not for the faint of the heart. It requires a lot of planning, dedication and laser focus on your part.

Before you begin:

  1. Plan everything. And procrastinate. If anyone asks, tell them that you are visualizing and harnessing your creativity. Just sit around, watch judge Judy and put off the painting as long as you can.
  2. Get some canvas and some really expensive paints. You could take that money and feed a nation but who cares? Creativity is at stake here.
  3. Tell everyone that you are not only a photographer, but also a painter. You may never have painted ever in your life, but so what? Believe in yourself. Use terms such as acrylics, media, matte, glazed etc. If some one asks you what exactly you paint, give them an answer that is completely confusing. For example, "I channel my inner cosmic energy and kundalini to use my creativity to create a representation of the mysterious energy that is life. I capture the energy using media like acrylic paint, oils, pigments and bacon fat. In my opinion, that is the only way to obtain world peace." Ha! That will teach them not to mess with you! After that, no one will ever ask you about your paintings. Trust me on that one.
  4. When you go shopping for paint supplies, refuse to buy the basics like an easel, a paint bucket etc. When your good friend, who is doing you a favor by showing you the ropes suggests you buy a kit, complain loudly. Whine a lot. "You are making me spend too much money!"
  5. Tell your family or whoever you are living with that you are about to embark on an artistic journey. You are not to be disturbed because you are harnessing your creativity. You are going to paint. And you can't do dishes anymore for at least a month since you have to preserve your hands and your creativity.
  6. By now, almost everyone you know should have stopped talking to you. Good. Now you are a true recluse artist and ready to begin.
To create a painting:

  1. Since you refused to buy an easel, spread an old rug on the floor and layer it with newspapers.
  2. Grab a snack.
  3. Get your canvas, your paints and your brushes and lay them on the carpet.
  4. Open a bottle of wine and have some.
  5. Watch a movie.
  6. Take canvas number one and apply a base coat of an acrylic paint to it.
  7. Set it to dry and go grab another snack.
  8. Surf the net and remember that you were supposed to clean the brush.
  9. Run and grab your brush, pour some paint cleaner in a plastic cup and soak your brush.
  10. Pour another glass of wine and surf the net.
  11. In about ten minutes, go to check on your brush.
  12. Pick up the plastic cup which has now melted into putty and clean up the paint cleaner from the counter. No one ever told you not to put the paint cleaner in a plastic cup.
  13. Sigh.
  14. Take a nap.
  15. Wake up and find your long lost family. Tell them, "Guess what I did today? I painted AND cleaned up the kitchen counter."
Trust me. They will be thrilled for you.

10 comments:

mythopolis said...

ha ha...great! Aren't you painting with acrylics? I'm confused, since acrylic brushes can be cleaned in water...if you are using oils, yes you will need a solvent...in a metal or glass container. So when will we get to see your masterpieces...????? I like how you multi-task...paint, surf the net, eat snacks, paint, watch a movie....snack...paint...paint snack, etc...thank you for this intimate glance inside the reclusive mind of the artist!!!

Carol said...

Hey, Scriber's here's a tip for you too. If you are going to paint again right away, you do not need to even clean the brush. Get some plastic wrap and a rubber band, cover the "business end" of the brush LOOSELY and store it in the freezer. When you are ready to paint again, pull it out, and uncover it. Let it sit on the counter for a while (warm up!) before using it again.

(Works every time. Just tell the kids not to eat it. Or touch it. Or touch it then eat it. You get the idea. :~)

webmina said...

LOL! And to think I was going to send you a link to Laguna Gloria art classes. No need. You sound like you have it completely under control. I'd be happy to sit around with you and drink wine and watch paint dry out of the corner of our eyes while we watch the Housewives of New Jersey!

BLOGitse said...

Hah, you sound pro already!
How many have you painted? Can't remember... :)

Nicole said...

You are hilarious :D
Thanks, but no thanks, I stick to my cam and leave painting to pros like you, snicker... :D

Honestly, I'm looking forward to see what you come up with.
I'm sure it will be great :)!

Mary Gatling said...

This is great! Love having you in my world of art!

Evan4sh said...

Put brush, plastic cup with paint thinner, and splatter some wine ON the canvas. That is art.

Postcards from Wildwood said...

Well it sounds like you're having a lot of fun. But I don't think I can take on all the extra calories that seem to be required as an integral part of the artist's life...

Scriber's Web said...

Mythos: I am painting with acrylics. I am not supposed to put the brush in paint cleaner? Oye... I am so confused! I'll take photos this weekend and post my trials and errors:)

Carol: Interesting tip. Thanks!

Webmina: Ha ha! Who needs classes? Not me!! I am a natural painter! Wine helps though:) Seriously, I am going to a friend's house this weekend to get some lessons:) Will keep you posted.

Blogitse: I have painted 5 canvas but that is just a base paint. I have completed NONE! I am in so much trouble!

Nicole: Why didn't you stop me? This is all your fault:)

Mary: Thanks for visiting, commenting and being very patient with me. You are an amazing artist and a very very kind and generous person to put up with me.

Evan: Thanks for visiting and commenting. But I must say that while it would be art, it would also be a serious waste of wine. Wine is sacrilegious! Can't throw it on a canvas! The wine gods would be very upset!

Janice: Well I am just a sacrificing kind of a person and would do anything for art! Specially where wine is concerned! LOL.

NicoleB said...

Me? I don't think so :)